Category: Musings

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Requiem for a Dream!

27.10.2018

It was indeed refreshing to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city life for the first time in 6 months. Even when I realize that Berlin is probably the quietest and peaceful a city can get, the suffocation was really bothering me. The first drive, despite being a short one, was so special. The calm and peace of German country-side seemed somewhat addictive even for the brief time that I spent there. No better place for a rehab to be.


Eduardo has been in the rehab for more than 10 months and if I hadn’t already known his story, I wouldn’t have taken him for a recovering addict. That was a day I stood in awe for the wonders that love could do in this world. Yes, he has made a drastic progress. He has developed a very positive outlook towards life and he is very hopeful about a colorful life ahead of him. But sadly the drugs have done the damages already and he is as vulnerable as the other kids in the street. It is probably only a matter of, him, getting fed up of the whole program and deciding to get out of the safety and care of the rehab.


All of us might know one Eduardo in our lives and there might be something that we all could do about them rather than being just indifferent. Maybe, a simple baby step would be to stop glorifying and making them feel like the ‘cool dudes’ with stories and narrations. Asking your friend to smoke one joint less might actually make a difference in their life.

19.06.2021

Re-visited the note today, because there happened to be some conversations where addictions and substance abuse were the themes. I had met Eduardo a couple of times over the years after he had left the rehab. Even then, I really don’t know what is up with him these days. I only had small talks with him and never really tried to follow up with other people on his whereabouts and condition. I was (still am) anxious about his vulnerability and didn’t really want to hear anything that I dreaded. This way, irrespective of what may be the reality, the images of Eduardo in my head are from the walks that we took around the woods in Nauen, the ones from our uno game sessions. He had forgotten about me by the time we met again last year. I had to re-introduce myself to him. 


I generally don’t forget faces. Especially the ones like Eduardo’s because his is not the first such face in my life. I was always surrounded by people throwing charades, chasing after intoxicants that gave them the momentarily euphoria. I grew up watching people who threw everything, that mattered, away as the soul purpose of their life was just about getting drunk. It is true that we develop our perspectives based on what we see and experience in our lives and that is probably why it wasn’t that difficult for me to quit everything. Well, on that note, I never really drank enough to be considered a regular drinker as I always drank only in social circles for the company. As I contemplated on whether or not to quit, I was being driven to a decision by the faces that flashed in my head and oh boy!, the child in me must have had too much of reality to handle growing up. I was pretty sure, four years ago, that the momentary fun and pleasure that the intoxicants had to offer was not worth the families that it had broken or the people that they snatched away from life too soon. And today, four years later, I am convinced that I had made the right decision. 


My decision was not out of a fear of losing control over my habits. I know that I am strong enough to maintain that control. My decision was just because I knew that I didn’t need them to experience life!


In hindsight, I realize that my decision had made me become true to myself, to truly be in the moments, to truly be with the people.Today, I celebrate life! I carry Eduardo along with some other friends, and people that I know in my daily prayers. God can work miracles! I pray that people get the wisdom to realize how precious their life is, before they throw it away, before they think about lighting that first joint.

15.03.2023

What I dreaded finally became a reality. Eduardo left us last year. In September. He was found dead in his apartment. I hope the memories of that warm tight hug that you gave me, when we last met, would live forever. For some reason, I had decided to not tell you that I would be moving to Munich in a couple of weeks. Can’t remember why.

When you stroll down those golden meadows, soaked in the warmth of the evening sun, may you finally find the peace that was so foreign to you here on earth
As you walk along those dancing streams and listen to its music, may you finally enjoy a genuine happiness; and this time, know it is real
The stroll shall end in the Father’s tight embrace, and you will know that you finally have everything that matters

God bless your soul kid!

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पच्चीस ninety nine

(4th Jul 2020)

Look at what I just found in my brother’s drawer.

I didn’t even know that we had a picture of this beauty with us until I discovered this old photo album of his.


One of my bucket list items is to be able to buy back the beloved ‘पच्चीस ninety nine’


Paachu chettan would teach a 11 year old me, sitting by his side on the edge of the driving seat, holding (hanging) on to the steering wheel, the initial lessons of driving on this one. I would control the steering wheel and shift gears while he controlled clutch, break, and accelerator and this practice would go on for nearly two years until I grew a couple of centimetres longer and was finally tall enough to reach the controls and be able to see the road at the same time.


The lessons were simple. He would teach me about things like acknowledgment ’honking’ – a way of expressing your gratitude to the truck/bus driver who made way for you to pass him on an upward climb. He promised me that I would get a honk back if I gave one and I still get a teeny tiny smile on my lips upon hearing such a honking sound even today.


I can barely remember him teaching any technical stuff (other than about checking radiator water level and engine oil level every morning. Yeah you had to check those and the battery ampere level every single day on a Jeep, before driving off, during those days. Managing to unlock and lock the bonnet clips with my tiny hands used to be a personal achievement back then). He somehow knew that the rest was bound to happen on its own eventually. He always had this laid back attitude around him and tons of stories to tell during the drives. He would lean back on the driving seat stretching his left arm behind my head over the front seats while puffing the cigarette in his right hand blowing the smoke out over his right shoulder with absolutely no trust issues about the ability of a 11 year old in keeping the steering wheel steady.


My mom would eventually fire him after she found out that he had  scammed my family, colluding with the workshop guy, for more than 50k. That was almost 14 years ago. A part of our life’s history that should have ended on a bitter note didn’t really end on one. 


I never heard anyone in my family Ever talk ill of him for what he did to us. Whenever his name popped up in our conversations occasionally, those conversations would only end with tears in our eyes from laughing so hard. Because this man had a never ending stock of funny stories and my family had way too many trips to make on a a Mahindra CL 500 MDI to listen to as many  such stories as possible.

We would do Kannur – Idukki – Kannur trip twice or thrice a year. We would drive to Chennai from Kannur to visit my brother, who was doing his under-graduation. All those trips on this machine and even during all those times it never bothered us that we used to have only two to three cassettes in the Jeep because the stories of Paachu chettan and the embarrassing songs of my father for us to listen to were many indeed.


This unconventional piece of joy ride had rolled its wheels through a significant part of my life digging a deep and long trail of sweet memories to look back and chuckle at. While I might have missed out on the stories that will have whiskey glasses along with roasted beef or pork on its bonnet during a chilly night on one of the lovely Idukki hilltops overlooking the enticing valleys, the rest of them are fondly mine to cherish.

To “KL 13 D 2599“

To Paachu chettan

To memories that never die


PS: I will have to say that I might have cooked up some parts of this story (for legal reasons)

PS: पच्चीस ninety nine was the tag line of a Maruti 800 advertisement in 2002 or 2003. They were selling it at an EMI of 2599 per month and our Jeep’s Registration was also same number. So I used to call it that.